pop tarts are not kleenex
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
