So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
