I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
