If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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