I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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