Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
