I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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