win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
