The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
