When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
