He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
