Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Randomize
