No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
