Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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