Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
