i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think i have two assholes
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
