I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
smell my finger.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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