Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
