Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
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Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
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It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
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