Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
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I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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