Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
