Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
