i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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