you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
