Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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