don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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