My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
