I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
