i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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