This dress was meant to end up on your floor
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
