a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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