i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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