I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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