White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
