Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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