I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Blood and glitter go together right?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize