I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
