she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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