Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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