I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
