Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
His nipple licking is glorious
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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