get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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