i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
