Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
