woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
