So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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