Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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