I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
