Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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