true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
