Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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