Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
