Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
