Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
