Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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