Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Randomize
