sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
