Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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