there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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